Leverage
by TheLastYamanaka
Summary: There were three prohibitions when it came to Master Jiraiya - money, women and alcohol. Kids didn't fall into either of those categories. So taking Naruto and Sakura's two year-old son to the park for the afternoon was a completely innocent thing... right?


**AN: For those of you who find this familiar, it is an edited re-upload from my other account which I no longer use. Just an idea that came out of nowhere really and I just couldn't resist writing it down. Turned into a longer story than I thought. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Jiraiya was a master in many things.

He had graduated from the academy at age six, excelled in ninja arts under the teachings of Konoha's Sandaime Hokage, and became well known and feared across all shinobi nations for his title of Sannin. He himself was even offered the role of Hokage after the passing of his late teacher. But his most proud accomplishment lay with his apprentice and village's current leader, Uzumaki Naruto, who had become the saviour of all nations during the Fourth Great War.

The Sannin was very proud of his pupil and personally took a great deal of credit in his achievements. _He_ was the man responsible for the boy's legendary tutelage after all... So naturally, after the war ended, he himself became even more respected and admired. That is, in the eyes of _ninja –_ shinobi and kunoichi alike, but for reasons other than he truly desired. His teachings and mastery of ninjutsu had already been held in high regard, but his reputation in the romantic department had not improved at all.

Jiraiya was a master when it came to many things. Women was not one of them.

If his apprentice had surpassed him in jutsu and skill, he'd certainly surpassed him in everything related to the female gender - not that the bar had been set very high, granted. Jiraiya was very happy for the boy as the years passed and proud that he had grown into such a fine man able to lead a life anyone would aspire to, especially given his childhood.

So when he found out that Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura were dating, he was delighted – though it was the inevitable of course, the entire village could see it. He was overjoyed when they announced their engagement, and it made him thrilled to hear a few years later that they were going to be parents. Naruto had everything Jiraiya wanted, and he couldn't help but hold a deep jealousy for it.

No matter the risks he took on his hot spring adventures and the lengths he went to to learn about women, he just _couldn't_ get a girl! And it frustrated him to no end.

Married with a family, Naruto still had female citizens of all ages fawning over him as he walked down the street. And even more so than the handsome bad-boy Uchiha Sasuke. It wasn't just the title of Hokage, but his personality too drew them like summons to kuchiyose, and the old master could only watch in envy.

One would think age was Jiraiya's downfall, but surprisingly it was the contrary. With the amount of housewives and kunoichi widowed after the war, coupled by a reputation like his, he should have women falling at his feet!

So why was it not that way then? What was he supposed to do?

* * *

It was when the Sannin returned to Konoha from a research trip in the Land of Snow that he was struck with a brilliant idea.

As he stopped for lunch at Yakiniku Q, he found himself within earshot of a man surrounded by a group of young women. They were giggling and gushing around the table over something he was holding, hidden from Jiraiya's view. The Sannin dismissed the scene at first with an ill feeling of jealousy, but his attention was captured when the young man spoke, and turning towards the group, he recognised him as the genius son of Shikaku from the Nara clan.

Jiraiya sighed. How could even that pineapple-haired lazy ass attract a crowd of females? His personality was, to put it plainly, dull beyond boring. And it wasn't as though he had the looks.

Then again, even _yellow_ hair was 'sexy' these days…

"Sorry ladies, but if you don't mind I'd like some peace," Shikamaru drawled. "This is already troublesome as it is."

'_Figures,'_ Jiraiya thought bitterly. He turned to take his order, but was distracted again when one of the girls spoke.

"Is she yours?"

"Aw, she's such a cutie!" said another.

"How old is she?"

"Your wife must be really beautiful."

'_What? Nara is married? With a-'_ Jiraiya shifted his gaze from one of the women's backsides and peered past them to see a little girl no older than three wriggling in the man's arms. She certainly didn't resemble him, her bright blue eyes looking curiously up at the onlookers and blonde pigtail bouncing as she fidgeted.

"Yeah, looks just like her mother," Shikamaru replied in his usual bored voice. "She'll be three next month."

"So… what are the two of you doing here alone?" one of the girls asked.

Jiraiya caught the hopefulness in her tone, and apparently so did Nara because he bluntly said, "I've come to meet my wife for her daily lunch break. She'll be here soon."

Jiraiya knew he was lying; there was no way that Yamanaka Inoichi's daughter would come to Yakiniku Q every day for lunch.

He knew, with a body like hers.

Not that he looked.

Often…

"Oh," the girl's voice fell slightly. "Well, you enjoy it then."

"Bye, sweetie," said the woman with the attractive butt. She played with the toddler's pigtail for a few seconds, and then they left.

"Oh man," Shikamaru muttered once they were gone. He looked down at his daughter. "Your Uncle Chouji better get here soon, and we're not staying as long as last time. Why'd you have to go and get all of _her_ looks? Troublesome…"

'_So that's it,'_ Jiraiya thought. _'They're attracted to the family man type, huh? Why didn't I think of this before?!'_

He knew all parts, to the very corners of the village, which were popular destinations women would visit. He didn't need to go to taverns or hot springs to look from _afar._ He could even get them to come straight _to_ him! And all he needed was a kid.

_'Now… where to get one?'_

The Sannin thought for a few moments, then grinned slyly.

* * *

"No, Minato, not the report!"

The Rokudaime Hokage leapt from his chair for the eleventh time that afternoon and ran around his desk to lift the infant crawling over his disarray of paperwork. The little boy giggled and reached up with chubby fingers to tug on his father's shirt. Naruto pulled the crinkled document from his grasp and groaned when a thick trail of slobber came with it. He put his son back down on the desk and wiped the report clean with his jacket.

"How am I supposed to get any work done like this?"

Little Minato frowned and looked up at him, mumbling something that sounded like "troublesome." Clearly his godfather wasn't the best idea for a babysitter, and the young boy's small vocabulary wasn't of the choicest words already.

"Yeah, I don't want to be here either," Naruto sighed. "But the sooner I get this damn paperwork done, the sooner we can get home… I think your mother's going to have an even longer day though."

Minato made a funny noise and pointed to the window behind his father. The Hokage spun round to find his old teacher grinning back at him through the glass. Glad for a distraction that was not a fidgeting toddler, he walked over to open it.

"Pervy Sage!"

Jiraiya climbed through and little Minato watched with wide eyes as he landed inside the office in a ninja fashion.

"You're Hokage now and you're _still_ calling me that?" the Sannin asked childishly before looking around the room and giving an amused smile. "Phew, what a mess."

"All thanks to a certain someone… What are you doing back so early anyway? I thought you were on holiday."

"Yeah, well, the women in the Snow Country weren't all that desirable. Not much to_ see_, you know? The locals weren't too friendly either. _And_ I thought I'd come see how our _Hokage_ was doing of course. You look tired, Naruto."

"Well, I've been stuck in an office trying to babysit while doing paperwork all day. What did you expect?"

Jiraiya chuckled. "That's why I turned down the job."

Naruto smiled, and both shinobi absently watched the little boy playing with his father's hat.

"How come he's here with you?" Jiraiya asked.

"Sakura was called in early and has been stuck at work all day. There was a fall-out with a group of mercenaries. You know, the usual, Ame's still a wreck. It's been dealt with but a lot of chunin dispatched there came back seriously injured. They always have to pester _us _first since Sakura's the best. People are getting lazy now that the war's over."

"Ah, even times of making peace have their cons," the Sannin replied, only half listening as his ex-student rambled off. His attention was focused intently on the little boy, a mischievous glint in his eye. _'Sakura's out for the day? This must be my lucky break…'_

"…is in Kiri right now and he doesn't get back 'til next week, Shino and Hinata are out for the day – I think Sakura said it's their anniversary or something – and I don't know about Sai. Ino's working, and, well, we didn't really want to leave him with Lee when Tenten's not home, since last time he went a bit overboard and ended up-"

"Say, Naruto, why don't I look after Minato for a while? Take him off your hands so you can finish your paperwork?"

The Hokage paused, looking up suspiciously. "I thought you didn't like kids."

"What? Who said that?"

"_You_, all those times you were training me," Naruto replied, amusement in his tone.

"Ah… No, that was just you," the Sannin grinned.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Right. And I suppose you're in the mood to help me out after a failed research trip? What's the catch?"

"Come now, you know I can be nice when I want to. And as Hokage I think you deserve a favour every once in a while."

Naruto smiled. The offer was tempting and the man did have a point. "Well, okay. Thanks, Pervy Sage."

"No problem. Besides, Sakura is turning you into a fine housewife. She's out there getting all the action, and you're in here. I can't have my most favourite apprentice getting any softer than he already is."

"What? You can't say that to the Hokage! And I am not a _housewife!_ I have a village to run!" Naruto felt his cheeks redden.

Jiraiya laughed. "I'm just messing with you. But you are still a softie…" He walked around the desk and picked Minato up. The toddler giggled and shoved the Hokage hat in his face. "See? We're going to have lots of fun while your dad gets his work done. How about the park? Kids just love the park!"

The Rokudaime blinked in surprise. How unusual it was for his old master to act like this, it was usually reserved hot spring behaviour. He watched Jiraiya playfully take the hat out of the boy's hands and place it on the desk.

"Well, I'll swing by your apartment in a few hours to drop him off when you're home."

"Uh, okay…"

"You'd better get to that paperwork then. Wouldn't want me to arrive at your place before you do!" And Jiraiya was already halfway down the hall before Naruto could reply.

The Hokage was left staring after him in confusion. That Pervy Sage could really be weird sometimes… But he had a good heart. If Naruto knew anyone, he knew his teacher, and the only thing Jiraiya would ever trick him into giving him for his own benefit would be a few portions of Gama-chan's change. But offering to take care of his son was a completely innocent thing – almost too innocent for the old Sage as a matter of fact. And to the park too…

Well, if Naruto had learnt one thing about others, it was that no-one is predictable. He himself was a walking example of that. Sometimes even Shino would surprise him with a visit after all…

The Hokage smiled to himself and turned back to his paperwork. This day wasn't going to be so long after all.

* * *

"Hehehe, I knew it. He's just as easy to get as always," Jiraiya said gleefully as he walked to Kohona Park.

Little Minato was sitting on his shoulders, playing with a few strands of long white hair as his babysitter – or for want of a better word, moocher – held his ankles in place and talked about his own plans of winning pretty girls for the afternoon. The boy obviously could not understand and was paying no attention to his words, more interested in watching the rest of the people in the streets from his high position.

Jiraiya was a very tall man, and Minato absolutely _loved_ playing horsy. So this was a bonus!

Master Jiraiya was an even better horsy than his mommy; he was actually taking him for a _real _adventure, outside the living room! Minato chortled, tightening his grip on the man's hair and pulling it a little.

"You like that, do you?" the Sannin asked. "Well, you're going to have a lot of fun today with your good old Uncle Jiraiya."

He smiled to himself. This kid was _perfect._ He was good natured at all times, laughed for almost everything, and hardly ever cried. Well, in his own experience with him anyway (which was not very high due to his frequent travels and research of course). If Jiraiya hated anything more than the fact that the Konoha Bathing House did not offer mixed bathing – absurd! How could they? – it was the sound of a baby crying. And that was all he ever heard from Uchiha's kid. It screeched like mad if it didn't get what it wanted. Spoilt brat.

"Thank heavens you didn't inherit your mother's temper… Oh look, we're here already." Jiraiya's face lit up as he noticed how populated the park was today. Because it was mostly inhabited by noisy little brats, he usually avoided it, but how stupid he had been to do so because there were so many gorgeous women here! How could he not have thought to come before when obviously the children would visit with their _mothers?_ And oh my, so many of them seemed single too...

"Looks like I've hit the jackpot!"

* * *

Sai was far too absorbed in his painting to notice the familiar white-haired man sit down on a bench at the end of the park with his teammates' son. This particular bench was positioned in a great spot; close enough to the playground where parents watched the children play and mothers picked up their own kids, while under the shade of the tall trees beside the path where adults passed through and were within earshot of being heard if they wanted to stop for a chat. It would have seemed an ordinary bench for a regular visitor, but Jiraiya saw this as his perfect pick-up spot.

The young artist stroked his canvas lightly with red, marking the shape of the slide. He stood back for a moment to inspect it when finished and with a satisfied nod, looked up to compare his 2D version to the real thing. The only difference was the sandy-haired boy sliding down the actual one. Sai wondered whether he should attempt to paint a child on his replica when a loud and very familiar laugh came from a few metres in the distance.

This may not have been picked up by the ordinary Konoha citizen, but having been in the ROOT organisation for a third of his life, Sai's ears were very sharp. He glanced towards the source of the noise to find a shocking scene.

Sai was not one to usually portray emotions, least of all those of surprise, but a look of shock filled his pale facial features when his eyes landed on the bench's occupant and miniature crowd of four around him. Sai blinked. Twice. Three times.

No, his eyes were not deceiving him. The man in the centre of the small gathering was none other than Jiraiya of the Legendary Three. And on his lap sat two-year old Uzumaki Minato.

The artist frowned. Everything was wrong with this scene.

Firstly, the Sannin never visited the park – the former ROOT shinobi would surely have seen him before as he himself came here to paint at least once a week. Secondly, Master Jiraiya didn't take the young Uzumaki out for bonding sessions – Sai would know this one too as every time the boy's parents struggled to find a babysitter, that man wouldn't even have made the list – he was a 'bad influence,' as his pink-haired teammate had put it. And thirdly, Master Jiraiya was never surrounded by women.

Never.

Unless he was either incredibly drunk, _they_ were incredibly drunk, or he was getting clobbered for being caught peeking, flirting or inappropriately touching.

Sai gathered his things as his inner ninja impulses came over him and he snuck closer to eavesdrop. He stopped behind a tree, sat down, and peered around slowly.

"He's so adorable!" one of the girls was saying.

"Mister, is he your grandson?"

The Sannin gave a strange laugh. "Ladies, ladies, I'm not _that_ old! No, no, he is my beloved nephew."

Sai lifted an eyebrow. He knew Naruto and his old teacher were very close and held each other in high respect, but their relationship was certainly not like that of brothers. They more resembled a strange grandfather and whiny grandchild, and if anything, Master Jiraiya would _never_ call the Uzumakis' son a 'beloved nephew.'

"Oh, really? Well, how nice of you to bring him here."

"Yeah, well, you can't help but love him. He's a bit of a handful but I just love kids, you know?"

Sai frowned. He had read in books that parents liked to show off and brag about their own kids. Nara Ino was a perfect example of that. But this man didn't even _like_ kids! What was going on?

The women giggled. "His parents must be very happy to have someone like you look after him."

"Yeah, I'm sure they would be…" The painter noticed a shift to fake sorrow in Jiraiya's tone.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," one of the women said sympathetically. "Are they…?"

"My younger brother and his wife both passed away on a mission. Very tragic. Both were such skilled shinobi with so much promise. They'd left little Minato here in my care while they were away, and I took him in after… after it happened. Well, it was hard at first, me having no wife myself. But we're getting on okay now, aren't we squirt?"

"Oh my, you poor man."

Sai's mouth fell open. Did he just hear right?

Master Jiraiya was playing a dangerous game.

If Naruto were to find this out, he wouldn't be very happy.

If Sakura were to find this out, the Sannin would be a dead man.

The village of Konoha may be living in peace now, but if Sai had learnt to avoid anything close to a war, it would be to not call Uzumaki Sakura ugly, make honest comments about her body, or piss her off in any other way. He had learnt from his mistakes quickly, for one did not want to be on the receiving end of _her_ fist. '_What would Master Jiraiya want to take a risk like that for?'_

Sai was hit with realisation, there was only one thing that man would do anything to get.

_Women._

So the perverted old hermit was using Naruto and Sakura's son as leverage for luring in girls! Sai felt a funny tingling in his gut. He held no disrespect towards Jiraiya but this was seriously wrong.

Poor Minato being used like that, poor Naruto being deceived – of course it was Naruto, there was no way his wife would have left their son in _Jiraiya's_ care!, poor girls being lied to, and, to a smaller extent, poor Jiraiya for going to get himself beaten to a pulp later today.

Sai wondered what his other friends would do. If Ino was to witness this it would become the gossip of the century after she'd gotten revenge for her best friend. Yeah, even the sweet and beautiful Ino had a violent temper and dangerous right hook. Sai knew that all too well. These kunoichi… he could read every book there was ever written on them and still not understand them… Kiba would probably find this a laugh, though that guy could be very insensitive at times. Chouji or Hinata would most likely tell Naruto and Sakura the truth, and right now, the truth was looking best. Staying on Sakura's good side was well worth betraying Master Jiraiya's trust. By a long shot.

But no-one had noticed his presence yet, and Sai strongly disliked getting involved in such matters. And no, this is not because he was secretly offended by Kiba calling him a tattle-rat last Christmas party! Like _that_ would be offensive to a twenty-nine year-old man anyway…

Keeping out of it was the way to keep safest. And Sai couldn't help being a _little_ interested in seeing how things would turn out. They say after all that a student is like his master, and he had always been curious to see where Naruto's idiocy had come from.

* * *

"Can I hold him?"

'_Ah, this is going perfect!'_ Jiraiya thought as he handed Minato to the girl. '_Who knows, one of them may even take him off my hands and give me some alone time with…'_ he turned to the woman sitting on his right. '_Yep, she's perfect.'_

And the best thing was, if she rejected him he had three others to _choose _from!

'_Kumi, a rarely seen beauty. Her name doesn't lie… And my goodness, look at those assets… But Hanami… Wow…'_

"Um, is he okay?" the girl holding Minato asked, bringing the Sage back to reality.

He looked up, fazed. All of the women were now staring at Minato with concern, who was gazing back dully, a bit of dribble escaping his mouth.

"He looks a little pale."

"Oh no, he's fine," Jiraiya replied. "You're not holding him high enough. He likes it when you hold him up and play aeroplane. Here, I'll show you."

He took the boy from the woman's arms and held him above his head. Minato chuckled and waved his little arms and legs as the Sage playfully bounced him in the air. Jiraiya grinned in satisfaction as the girls giggled at his actions.

"See, just like that-"

He paused when Minato suddenly stopped laughing and a splatter of yellow fell from his mouth and… onto Jiraiya's front.

The Sannin flinched, mentally stopping himself from dropping the toddler in disgust, and settled to holding him at arm's length while he regained himself.

"Oh my, that's not good!" said the woman named Hanami. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yes, I'm fine," Jiraiya lied.

The woman wasn't speaking to _him,_ however, but a now crying Minato.

"Hey sweetie, it's okay," she cooed, taking him from the Sannin's arms to rock him gently in her own.

At that moment, the smell of the vomit reached Jiraiya's nose and he wretched over. But remembering his audience, he quickly regained himself and held his breath as he shook off his vest. His poor, new vest he'd bought last month. Now its beautiful red colour would have an ugly patch of yellow stain. And right in the middle too.

"Damn it," the Sannin muttered to himself, tossing the ruined vest to his right where Kumi had been sitting a minute ago.

One of the other girls heard him and looked down at it.

"That looks nasty."

"I know, and I only bought it last _month_," Jiraiya groaned before he could stop himself. "Oh well, it can't be helped I guess..."

But he didn't realise that she wasn't talking about the red piece of clothing, more about what was _on_ it.

"What did he eat to make _that?"_

Kumi turned around and looked down at the vomit. "Is that… ramen? It's a _lot_… Looks like a _full bowl!"_

This got the attention of the others and Jiraiya watched nervously as their eyes widened. What was happening? A minute ago he had one in each arm and all of them laughing at nearly every word he said while looking at him with admiration. Now they were wearing looks of shock, Minato was screaming like Uchiha's brat, and other people in the park were starting to stare.

"Ramen? No, no, of course not!" Jiraiya said innocently, giving an awkward laugh.

A feeling of anger towards his former pupil churned inside him for this humiliation. _'What the hell, Naruto?! You can't feed a two year old a FULL BOWL OF RAMEN! What the hell's the matter with you?!'_

He looked down at the splash of mess on the vest. Yes, it really _was_ a full bowl. Jiraiya cursed inwardly. And to think, things were going so well! He was definitely going to get the boy's idiot of a father back for this. Big time.

Well, it wouldn't make a bad bribe he supposed. Sakura would flip if she found this one out…

"Poor boy, he must really not be feeling well," Hanami's voice distracted him.

'_Poor ME,'_ Jiraiya thought bitterly. _'Urgh, can they make him stop screaming already?'_

"Give him to his uncle," said Kumi. "He'll know what to do."

Before Jiraiya could register what she had said, a kicking and screeching Minato was in his arms. _'This kid is perfect,'_ he thought sarcastically. _'Yeah, you got that right.'_ But when he noticed the women looking down at him expectantly, he couldn't help but inwardly smirk to himself. If he could stop the kid from crying, then this day could be saved. And all the screaming seemed to have made them forget about the ramen…

He pushed the puke-splatted vest off the bench so it fell crumpled onto the grass while pulling funny faces at the toddler. When this didn't work, he sat Minato down on the bench and stood up. The women watched in awe as he performed a small series of hand seals. They clearly weren't kunoichi which was all the more perfect as what he was about to do was sure to impress them all the more.

Jiraiya placed his hand on the bench and a small toad emerged in a puff of smoke. Minato immediately fell silent as the slimy summoning hopped into his lap. His father would always cease his crying with the kuchiyose. And this one looked just like his wallet!

The little boy reached out to pat the toad and it leapt onto his arm. He giggled as he tried to grab it with his tiny fingers and it jumped again.

"See, your uncle knows how to cheer you up," Jiraiya said, but panicked when he noticed that three of the women, including Kumi, had now backed away considerably.

He could swear he heard a snickering coming from behind a tall tree a few metres away. Was someone laughing at him? But he couldn't just let his audience escape like that, he had worked so hard to get them! _'But why are they-'_

Of course, the_ toad_. What is it with girls being afraid of them?

"Ladies, ladies, it's alright," he called. "This is just one of my nephew's pets. He won't hurt you. Look."

The women regained themselves and came closer, but maintained a safe distance from the toddler and his slimy friend.

"Was that the kuchiyose?" Hanami asked, impressed.

"Yeah," Jiraiya replied. "It's the easiest way to cheer him up."

"He is lucky to have such a smart uncle."

'_Phew, that's a good turn-around,'_ the Sannin thought, relief washing over him. "I know. Now come join me!- I mean, _us!_ And don't worry, I'll keep you safe from Gamachii!" he chuckled.

From behind the tree that had caught his attention earlier, a young artist couldn't help but laugh quietly to himself. The old Sage was perverted and weird, but he sure knew how to turn a bad situation around. Sai shifted into a more comfortable position and looked down at his bag of art utensils beside him. He wasn't really in the mood for painting now and had to admit this was pretty entertaining.

* * *

Uzumaki Sakura wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. Finally, she'd finished with the last patient. She looked at the clock. It was only 4:30? The medical ninja smiled. Now she would be able to cook dinner herself before Naruto could prepare yet another session of instant ramen. Three nights in a row was enough. Though admittedly, it was better than him burning the house down trying to cook a proper meal. And neither of them could use jutsu of the water element, so…

She left the hospital, considering stopping by the flower shop on the way to the Hokage Mansion and say hi to Ino, but then thought of how Naruto must be doing with Minato and all his paperwork. She grinned to herself, knowing exactly how things would turn out. If she didn't pick up their son soon then the poor Hokage would be stuck in his office 'til well past dark. And Sakura knew how much he hated doing paperwork in that office. She could always visit Ino tomorrow anyway.

When the kunoichi stepped into her husband's office, however, she was surprised to find him scribbling away at a report as though he was in an exam room with a time limit. He looked up, just as surprised that she had finished work already.

"Sakura, you're back early. This is great! I'm on my last report now. Since we'll both be finished, I was thinking maybe tonight-"

"Really? How'd you get everything done so… fast?"

"Why is it always the tone of surprise?" Naruto smirked, wiping his eyes with a sore hand before making his way around the desk towards her.

"Well, for one, you hardly _ever_ get your paperwork done and-mphf," Sakura was cut off by his lips meeting hers and warm arms wrapping around her waist. She pulled him closer, forgetting her exhaustion from work as she leant into his passionate embrace. But something was missing…

She pulled away, looking around the room. "Where's Minato?"

"Minato?" Naruto asked, his brain not fully recovered yet after all that writing. "Oh yeah, Pervy Sage took him out for the afternoon." He grinned. "He said he'll drop him off at home later so we don't even need to-"

"Wait, _what?"_

Naruto blinked in surprise. "What's wrong?"

"You left our son with _Jiraiya?"_

"Uh, yeah… He saw how busy I was and offered to do me a favour by taking care of him."

"Where did he take him?"

"The park," Naruto replied in confusion at her tone. "That's a good thing, right? Kids love the park."

"Yeah, and so do _women,"_ Sakura said bluntly.

"I don't get it… Is that bad?"

Sakura freed an arm from their embrace and smacked him on the back of his head.

Hard.

"Ow, what the heck was _that_ for?! Pervy Sage just did us a huge fav-…. _Ohhhhh."_

* * *

Sai tried to ignore the nervous feeling rising in his gut.

He had received plenty of amusement, but Master Jiraiya was taking things a bit too far.

Actually, that was an understatement.

The artist had watched quietly from behind his sanctuary of trees as the Sage feigned being guardian to his friends' son and even went so far as to say they had _passed away_. Those poor, innocent girls – as much as Sai was afraid of them – were _still_ being taken advantage of, too blind to see it.

He highly doubted they would even have taken a second look at the old pervert if Minato wasn't there, even with his frequent hints at being a lonely, self-claimed 'handsome bachelor,' but still, this was not right. What sort of friend would sit back and let someone use their comrades' child like that? Had he not worked so hard on their bonds all these years?

Sai stood up and took a deep breath. Master Jiraiya's game had gone far enough, and it was up to him to now to intervene.

* * *

"Yeah, he got his father's hair alright." The Sannin was now seated in the middle of the bench again with Minato in his lap and two girls on either side. By the subtle actions of those gathered around the bench – another had joined now so they totalled to three – Sai could tell they were partaking in some silent battle as to who would be standing closest to the little boy.

"What about his eyes? They're so adorable."

"Nope, they're his mother's," Jiraiya replied. "Good thing too, she was gorgeous."

"And his parents were _both_ shinobi? He's going to be very proud one day when he learns it."

"Yes, he will. I am very proud of them myself…" Jiraiya's face turned to shock when he noticed Sai walking towards him and his grip on Minato tightened a little. "S-Sai? What are you doing here?"

The women looked up in surprise at his sudden shift in tone, towards the handsome newcomer now standing in front of them.

"Is this a friend of yours?" one asked.

"Uh, well, acquaintance would be a better term-" Jiraiya began but was cut off by Minato.

"Uck… ucku Sai!" The little boy reached out with his arms, surprising everyone in his speech. Until now he had only made noises they couldn't understand.

Sai smiled. "Hello Minato."

'_What the-?' _Jiraiya thought. _'When did he learn to talk?'_

"Are you another uncle of his?" Hanami asked the artist.

"No, I'm a friend of his parents. Actually, his _uncle_ here-"

"Well now, fancy seeing you at the park," Jiraiya interrupted, laughing nervously. "Don't you have work to do?" he added through gritted teeth.

"No, it's my day off," Sai replied innocently, smiling. He knew that a smile was always the best way to deal with a troublesome situation, real or fake. And it was easiest to stick to that right now, due to his lack of social skills.

"Well, we're sort of in the middle of a conversation right now," Jiraiya tried. "I'm sure you've got better things to do."

The artist shrugged. "Not really."

'_Argh, damn it! What is he playing at?'_ Jiraiya resisted the urge to slap him. _'If he thinks he can just walk in here and ruin my date with the ladies-'_

"Aw, let him join us!" he heard Kumi say to his horror.

"Yeah, you will, won't you?" Hanami asked, turning to Sai.

"Sure."

Jiraiya felt his heart drop as Hanami scooted away from him and patted the bench, motioning for the artist to sit down _between_ her and the Sannin. He gulped. Was Sai going to rat him out now or was he here to spite him and draw this out before telling the Uzumakis later? One thing he was certain of though – sooner or later, it would be the end of him.

He would have to either bribe Sai before then or think of something fast. The guy liked reading, didn't he? Jiraiya did always see him with a book in hand…

Perhaps a free limited edition and signed copy of the latest Icha Icha Fantasy?

* * *

"I can't believe he tricked me like that!" Naruto said for the eighth time on the walk to Konoha Park.

"Neither can I. Pick up the pace, will you?"

"Seriously, I just can't!"

"Yeah, I didn't think even you could be _that_ stupid."

"I can't believe he actually-… wait, what?"

"I said I didn't think that even _you _could-"

"Alright, I heard! That's not fair, Sakura… But you know, if Pervy Sage hadn't taken Minato out then I'd still be stuck doing paperwork right now."

"Yeah, instead of heading to the park for that pervert to embarrass both of us in front of everyone. That wouldn't be so bad a deal."

"Actually, I think Pervy Sage is going to be the one more embarrassed when… never mind," Naruto stopped at the look on her face. He twisted his thumbs nervously. "You know, Sakura, we could just go home and wait for him to drop Minato off. It would save everyone the embarrassment-"

"And let him continue to woo girls by using _our_ son? No way!"

"But… it's not the end of the world if he uses our son to hit on women. I mean, as long as Minato is-"

"Are you telling me it's _okay_ for him to do that?" Sakura's tone was dangerous.

"N-No, of course not!" Naruto waved his arms defensively.

The kunoichi groaned. "You should have just taken care of him yourself and I could have had him home by now."

But the Rokudaime was determined to prove he was not the one to be blamed for this. "Well, Pervy Sage seemed innocent and… and he called me a housewife!"

"What?"

Naruto felt his face grow hot and suddenly wished he'd kept his mouth shut. Never once had he won an argument with his wife. _Never._ So what was he doing now? "Well, I… uh... Why didn't you just take him to _your_ work?"

"With blood and guts and dying patients? Yeah, that would have been real appropriate," she replied sarcastically.

"My job isn't the easiest either you know. I have to run the whole village!"

Sakura sighed. "I know," she said softly, her change in tone surprising the Hokage. "Why are we even arguing about this? Let's just hurry up and get Minato so we can go home already."

"So… you're not mad at me?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"No."

"Ah, that's a relief," he let out a deep breath, the mood of the situation lightening considerably. "You know, for a second there I was worried that you were going to pulverise me."

"You're such an idiot."

Naruto grinned childishly. "But you love me…"

The corners of Sakura's mouth twitched into a small smile. The Hokage sure was an imbecile but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stay mad at him for long. Especially not when he said things that made her heart melt like that. Why had she fallen for this idiot again?

The medical ninja hadn't held any anger for him today anyway so he had been in the clear all along. His master, however, didn't share the same fate.

* * *

Jiraiya frowned, resting his chin in his hands. That damn Sai just had to come and ruin everything!

At least Kumi had taken Minato from his arms though because he was too tempted to strangle something at this point and the kid was not helping his situation at all.

"So what do you do for a living, Sai?"

"I'm a jounin, and painter part time."

"That is amazing. What a busy life you must have!"

'_Big deal,'_ Jiraiya thought bitterly. _'So what does that make a _famous best-selling writer _then?'_

"I have some of my paintings here. I can show you if you like," Sai offered.

He reached into his bag and pulled out his portfolio. Jiraiya eyed it disdainfully, trying to ignore the girls' gasps of amazement at the young man's art as they paged through it. He didn't notice Minato crawl back onto his lap and reach over into Sai's bag to grab a handful of his painting equipment. One of the items was a container of the chakra-infused ink the artist usually stored for missions. Thinking it was a toy, Minato squeezed the container and ink squirted all over Jiraiya's face and clothes.

The Sannin cringed, spitting out a mouthful of black as the little boy chortled. The women looked up at him and laughed. Jiraiya turned red and glared at Sai as he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his face clean. But when he pulled the cloth away and looked back at it, there was no ink on it at all. He looked up threateningly at the artist.

"I'm sorry, but that ink is infused with my chakra," said Sai. "It won't come off until the jutsu wears off."

Jiraiya felt a surge of anger and looked back down at the little boy, his eye twitching in annoyance. _'Calm down, the ladies are watching,'_ he mentally reminded himself.

It wasn't the end of the world, right? It's not like his clothes would be permanently stained or anything… and the jutsu wouldn't last more than a day, his face would most likely be back to normal tonight… Still, that bloody ROOT shinobi was making him look like a complete idiot.

"Minato, can I have that?" Sai asked politely, and the toddler handed him the ink container.

"Uckuu! Ucku Sai!"

"It's so cute how he says your name," Hanami exclaimed.

"It is?" the painter asked. "I won't take credit for teaching him that but…"

'_Urgh, I've had it!' _Jiraiya was not impressed. Not impressed at all. "Mine sounds even better," he interrupted, his voice coming out surprisingly calm. "Right, Minato? Why don't you tell them who _I_ am?"

The little boy looked up at the Sannin blankly for a second, then pointed at the blotches of black on his face, giggling. "Eenky."

"Yes, _uncle. _Uncle _who?_ What is_ my_ name?"

"P-Puurwee..."

"No, _Uncle-"_

"Purwee. Purwee Say…"

"What is he saying?" one of the women asked.

"I think he's trying to say 'Pervy Sage'" Sai replied.

The women burst into laughter and Jiraiya felt his face turn an even darker red. He opened his mouth and closed it repeatedly, no words coming out.

"Why would he call you that?" Kumi asked between giggles.

The Sannin opened his mouth again but Sai answered for him. "Because that's what his uncle is famous for."

The women laughed even harder, and Jiraiya felt his temper rising dangerously. He clenched his teeth, looking at the artist who was smiling back innocently.

When neither men spoke, Hanami said "Wait… you're serious?"

"N-No, of course not!" Jiraiya forced a laugh. _'Damn that bloody Naruto, I'm going to KILL HIM!'_

Her brow furrowed, and the other women stopped laughing, now eyeing the Sage disbelievingly. But before he could say more, Sai's smile suddenly vanished and the young man stood up abruptly.

He hurriedly gathered his belongings and glanced anxiously at a spot behind them in the distance. He quickly bowed to the women. "Sorry, but it's time for me to go. I have uh… urgent matters to attend to." He lifted his arm and did the traditional one-handed seal before vanishing.

There was a short pause, apart from Minato's little noises, until one of the girls spoke again.

"What was that about?"

"Oh, the ink is gone!" said Hanami, looking at the Sannin's face.

Jiraiya couldn't believe it. Had the look on his face scared Sai off? He'd even broken the jutsu… He grinned to himself. _'Yeah, he knows he wouldn't stand a chance against me…'_ Now he'd _finally_ been left alone with the ladies. He cleared his throat.

"That man, he's a terrible joker."

"Is it true what he said? Are you really-"

"Of course not! Don't believe a thing he says! Just between us, he's a bit awkward. Has a couple of attention-seeking problems you know-"

"But your nephew called y-"

"Oh, that!" Jiraiya waved his free hand, holding Minato with his other arm as the boy wriggled, grabbing at the air in the spot where the artist had disappeared. "Well, you see… he sometimes takes care of him for me when I am working – he's a bit lonely, the poor lad. Only has his paintings for company, so I feel sorry for him. And he's not the best babysitter, but generally means well… But I had no idea he had been teaching my nephew to say such foul things! As I said, he has problems with getting atten-"

"JIRAIYA!"

The Sannin froze, all colour draining from his face.

Minato turned excitedly in his lap at the sound of his mother's voice and Jiraiya's heart stopped as he saw the pink-haired medic-nin walking towards him, her fists clenched dangerously at her sides. The fists that would send him to the hospital very soon. Naruto followed along nervously behind her.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing with our son?!"

"Shit."

Jiraiya leapt up from the bench in shock, and Minato looked at him in confusion as he was lifted unexpectedly. Before the Sannin's thought of how he was going to get himself out of this mess could form, Sakura was in front of him, snatching the little boy from his arms. '_How did she get there so fast? Damn ninja techniques…'_

"Is that… Lord Hokage?" Hanami asked, blushing slightly as the rest of girls turned to stare at Naruto.

What the Sannin would have given for her to look at _him_ like that, but right now he was too terrified to take his eyes off the furious kunoichi standing before him.

"S-Sakura, what a surprise-" he started, but she ignored him.

"Naruto!" she yelled over her shoulder and the Hokage was at her side.

She handed him an excited Minato. "Get him out of here."

"Uh, Sakura, I don't think this is the right place to- I mean, people are staring and-"

"I don't want to hurt you too, so don't get in my way," she snapped.

"O-Okay," Naruto replied, his voice cracking.

The women watched in awe as their Hokage backed away. They looked back and forth between the couple disbelievingly. Jiraiya looked on anxiously as Kumi turned to him and said, "I take it these are his real parents? They're not dead?"

"We're not WHAT?" Sakura asked, fuming.

"You used the Hokage's son to- to…" Kumi cried. "It's true, you _are_ a pervert!"

"Disgusting!" Hanami gasped.

"W-Wait, it's not like that- I just-" Jiraiya fell silent under their venomous glares.

Kumi walked up to him and for a moment he was frozen with either fear, or astonishment at her beauty (the Sannin couldn't tell) before she lifted her arm and-

Slap.

Too shocked to react or think, he remained on the spot watching with wide eyes as the others followed suit. He slowly touched his burning cheek as he watched them storm away without another word.

Depression rose in his stomach, especially towards Kumi whose looks were beyond those in both his novels and dreams, and his eyes instinctively drifted down to her… Well, he had been publicly exposed and was going to receive the beating of a lifetime alright? So he might as well look while he can...

By now, everyone in the park was staring at the scene, and Naruto felt a pang of sympathy for his old master. He didn't notice that two of the women from the group were now eyeing him, or the rest of the new crowd gathering around to gawk at their beloved Hokage. He glanced nervously at Sakura. There was no stopping her now. It wasn't often she lost her cool but when she did…

Sensing the upcoming chaos, he shifted the fidgeting Minato in his arms. They wear in a _park_ after all, he didn't want the children seeing this, especially since he was the village leader and everyone would know of it before the sun would set tonight. There goes the peaceful evening he'd hoped for.

The gathering group gasped and watched in amazement as the Rokudaime created his own crowd of identical copies of himself. The clones then scattered around the park, pulling everyone's attention away from his wife and old master.

The usual routine, he'd use this jutsu to get by on a normal day as fangirls flocked him in the streets. Figuring he'd avoid a beating himself and get his son home safely, this was his ticket out of here.

"I'll see you at home then," he called to his wife and hoisted Minato onto his shoulders.

The little boy laughed as he grabbed his father's yellow locks and prepared for the game of horsy they would play on their way home. Not as good as the Pervy Sage's version, but after a long time of being gushed over and held by other strange mommies he had never seen before, little Minato couldn't have asked for a better way to end the day.

'_And just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse,'_ the Sannin backed against a tall tree.

"S-Sakura…" he stammered.

The kunoichi cracked her knuckles.

Jiraiya gulped. _'And they were so beautiful too…'_

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Reviews are most welcome. And criticisms too, though not as much of course, haha... 'Til next time, then!**


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